Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
