my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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