I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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