there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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