its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
