okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize