i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
