i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
