I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
