Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
