when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
