Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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