I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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