so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
