He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
