Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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