Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
