drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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