I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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