just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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