No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
being pregnant is like rehab
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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