You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
