Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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