At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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