Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
