yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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