I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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