Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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