I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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