I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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