I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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