I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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