I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
