Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
