my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
