I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
