Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My first STD was from a foam party
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Rumble strips road head = magical
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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