so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
