my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
