he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
