she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
