So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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