she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize