i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
im holly from the hills drunk
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize