my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
