So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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