just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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