dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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