How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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