he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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