She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
