also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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