im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
