Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
