I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
