I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
