At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
