you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Randomize
