you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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