Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
