were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
