I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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