I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
this is an emotional support booty call
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
