I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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