Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I wish they made helmets for livers.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
