god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
